Chiba Check Up Vol. 1: Legend of the Eight Samurai (1983)

Starring: Sanada Hiroyuki (from G.I. Samurai and Ninja Wars), Chiba Shin'ichi, Shiomi Etsuko, Natsuki Mari, Meguro Yuki (1974 Live-Action Lupin III), Yakushimaru Hiroko, and Okada Nana (from G.I. Samurai) and a special appearance by Narita Mikio (BWHAH series and G.I. Samurai). Director: Fukasaku Kinji. Writers: Fukasaku Kinji and Kamata Toshio (G.I. Samurai as well, I didn't do this on purpose). Cinematographer: Sengen Seizo (Resurrection of Golden Wolf). Soundtrack contributor: Richie Zito (Just One of the Guys, Over the Top, and Scarface).

I knew this was coming and was not emotionally prepared. It's hard to say but I will just get it off my chest. Not immediately though, I need to bask in the glorious fun that was this series. That series, that is concluding is...#ChibaCheckUp Vol.1.

The epic finale to the first #ChibaCheckUp (I assure you, there will be more in the future) is returning to both very familiar and surprising territory with Fukasaku's fantasy actioner, Legend of the Eight Samurai. My main knowledge of his work is the world of the Yakuza not seemingly light fantasy. Though this is far from light in any capacity, as will be soon revealed.

Princess Shizu's on the run from the recently resurrected (from the dead) Hikita clan, led by evil witch - Tamazusa (who gradually turns into the Heatmiser as the film goes on) and her lover/son/father of her child - Motofuji. As in from the dead resurrected, seriously, not joking. She's stopped by local village idiot, Shinbei. Initially, his only trait is his hair. I don't understand why it's here, it's a distraction. Excessive is putting lightly, it is beyond thick and beyond the valley and mountain and snowy peaks of the dolls. He had recently went off to became a samurai and failed. He tries to rape Shizu immediately upon meeting her. She fights him off and is greeted 2 brothers - one with a pistol (with unlimited ammo) and other with a katana - Chiba shows up here 19 minutes in. They defend her and set it off on a mission to stop the Hikita from skinning the princess alive so they can...have, all, the, power?

Shinbei reunites with the princess and her growing band of chosen samurai, each their own magic Dragon Ball, I mean, crystal ball representing a different virtue like Civility and Faith and Wisdom. The crew expends to 8 samurai. They eventually win but only Shinbei survive because he's immortal too like his mother, Tamazusa, and his half brother-father, Motofuji. Shizu and her beloved Shinbei ride away holding hands after the spirits of the fallen 7 persuade him to follow his heart.

Fukasaku is one of the masters of the yakuza film. He understands the dark underbelly of post-war Japan and how it shaped Japanese society like no other. He is a master of bringing to surface the tension and rage that a life in organized crime can bring. Legend of the Eight Samurai is a big departure for better and worse. It still has his trademarks: packing a shit-ton of people into a single frame and to a much lesser extent, a pulsating undercurrent of unfiltered anger.

It's just a mess, a fun mess though. As these types of films go, it follows the standard troupes. You get the rookie, thief/bandit, stern but fair leader, quiet badass, powerful matriarch, and the rival clans. Things take a turn when the magic gets introduced. This is both a strength and a weakness for it. Typically, fantastical magical elements like a series of Dragon Balls, I mean, crystals take me out of a story. Magic is supposed to have rules but film has a poor track record of effectively delivering these rules and it just becomes a plot device to use to get out of a jam. Magic is messy, bad messy (there are exceptions, if it's stupid/fun/light - Big Trouble In Little China and The Vineyard for example). I don't need rules in a film to enjoy it necessarily but wizardry and magic always feel cheap. Fukasaku doesn't improve upon this. Magic is still vague and doesn't help anything while providing some ridiculous bits like a squad of women made of poison that breathe out poison with poisonous blood and a bubbling bloodbath to stay young a la Bathory.

Cheapness is all over the place here. The sets look just good enough to pass. They are not horrid but they look too artificial. I don't think Fukasaku was going for an intentional artifice because the quality of the set design is inconsistent. Some look legitimately good and others rushed. The only truly bad quality is shitty music. I don't know if it was changed for American audiences or what but holy fuck, it's trash. It has 3 modes - Casio Keytar presets, an actual score proper, and this lame 80s ballad by John O'Banion and Richie Zito. The love ballad sounds like 40% of the era Bond theme, 40% generic ballad, and 20% Wedding song. I can't fucking stand it. It ruins the scenes where it's used. Wrong movie for that shit.

"Counting seconds to the day, I'm coming home to stay,
I don't want this night to end, won't say good-bye."

"Just hold me close, my darling,
 let's forget tomorrow."

Following in the tradition of Seven Samurai, this clearly goes for that sensibility in a glaringly misguided way. Now, this was intentional. Not a fault, but no one can compete with one of the greatest films ever made. With a dash of Hidden Fortress, tossed in for flavor. You get the setup of the bandits - an undead clan, the fearless and charismatic leader - replacing Takashi Shimura with Sonny Chiba, the formation - done in overly long vignettes, and incest. Well, incest isn't alluded to in Seven Samurai except for a very brief moment with a vaguely Star of David patterned kimono. Yeah, the 2 evil leads are mother and son but also lovers with a child, who's the hero of the film. Also, one of the samurai was the object of lust in her adopted brother's eyes. That brother also keeps trying to catch women, including his sister, with his giant snake - no, actually a giant snake not his penis. The incest does not reach Imamura's The Pornographers levels but few movies willingly go that far (if you haven't seen The Pornographers, you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO).

My expedition into the lesser internationally known Chiba fare has been enlightening. Up until now, I was not fully aware of how much of an icon he is. In the G.I Samurai (not the last time I'll bring that up) review I mentioned that he was the Bruce Lee of Japan, but that isn't true. It's not false but also not completely true. Chiba is much closer to a Stallone, Bronson with some Bruce Lee in there as well. In a relatively short time, the name carried quality not as necessarily quality of the film but status. It's clear from what I've watched and just being aware of international cinema that Chiba is one of the few true global film icons. For a period of time, he was the guy. There was Nakadai Tatsuya for the Cannes crowd and Chiba for the popcorn crowd. Jackie Chan and Jet Li eventually swooped in and took that crown but no one stays king forever.

If this series has done anything for me personally, it's gotten me hungry for more Chiba. Hopefully, you also crave some Chiba in your cinematic life now or even more than before.